We might feel relieved temporarily when we act out verbally or physically, but if we continue to do so, we damage our relationships.
It is hard to imagine a summer that hasn’t been affected by youth mental health crisis, mass shootings, or political polarization.
Anger has been linked to anxiety and depression following the pandemic, surveys indicate.
In my practice as a psychologist, I regularly hear from clients that they find themselves lashing out at others because their nerves are so frayed. It is uncomfortable to feel scared, irritable, or sad. The act of verbally or physically expressing our unhappiness might temporarily alleviate our worries, but it ultimately damages the relationships and people we care about, as well as making us feel worse.
The way we respond to our emotions can make a huge difference in whether our pain becomes anger. My clients benefit from the following five strategies:
Self-compassion is the first step to acting kindly
When people explode, they feel ashamed about hurting dear ones. Therefore, shame leads us to hide our heads in the sand in order to avoid facing reality. To begin with, you must accept human fallibility. As a result, the denial will be easier to deal with.
Describe how angry behavior affects people in your life. When in doubt, ask how your actions impact others. Then examine your own behavior. When you lose your temper, how do you feel? Is this behavior helping you reach your goals? Can you relate these angry behaviors to the kind of partner, friend, parent, boss, coworker, neighbor or relative you want to be?
As a result of the answers, you will gain an understanding of how much damage you have caused to yourself and to others. If you want to change your behavior, you must keep this in mind
Recognize triggers and address underlying emotions
Consider typical situations that cause you to blow up. After a long day, when you’re tired and hungry, are you most vulnerable? Is rejection your Achilles’ heel? Possibly your spouse’s permissive parenting enrages your concern for children.
Identifying your triggers is essential to avoiding or modifying these circumstances. If you tend to feel trapped and explode at home when discussing difficult topics, don’t bring them up there. Instead, walk with your partner and discuss tough topics. Feel free to request some space from your roommates if they tend to irritate you when you feel down.
It is often surprising to my clients to learn that anger disguises other more primary emotions. If you feel rage beneath your anger, try to identify the hidden causes of it. If so, begin by dealing with the primary emotion
When anger begins to show in your body, pay attention to it
Herein lies the key to not lashing out in the heat of the moment. When your anger wave begins, pay attention to what is happening in your body. The fight-or-flight response is the first step in any anger episode. Are you experiencing chest or stomach tightness? Are you feeling flushed? Are you clenching your teeth or wrists? Is your mouth dry? Heart pounding? Discover which sensation usually appears first.
Concentrate on your body as anger mounts, like whether your teeth or fists are clenched.
The next step is to ride the wave of anger and the urge to act out until you reach the shore metaphorically. Many of my clients practice surfing their anger feelings by reliving a recent anger episode in their minds. When we don’t act on our discomfort, emotions don’t last long.
Try these two strategies if you’re having trouble staying with the wave.
Engage in alternative behaviors
Consider leaving the situation instead of shouting, cursing, or physically retaliating. When you feel angry, excuse yourself immediately and plan where you are going to go and how you will do so. Be upfront with your friends and family that you are working on your aggressive behaviors. You can always remove yourself quickly by saying you need to use the bathroom or make a phone call.
When possible, go outside to change the scenery, take in the calming effect of nature, and be aware of passers-by, which reduces the chance of displaying anger. Alternatively, have a designated place in your office or home to retreat to. Whenever your anger flares up, stay there until it subsides.
Inhale for four seconds and exhale for eight seconds to return to a calm state, and breathe from your belly instead of your chest. If that doesn’t work for you, try other evidence-based activities I recommend to my clients, such as exercising intensely, counting backward from 100 by sevens, or naming animals beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Also, imagine yourself at your favorite vacation spot, complete with all the sights, sounds, and smells.
As time goes on, you will be able to employ these calming strategies, even in situations that elicit anger.
Oppose your urges
In spite of the popularity of punching bags or spaces such as Wreck Room in London, common anger advice doesn’t hold true: Kicking or smashing something won’t decrease your anger or reduce your chances of lashing out. The act of acting aggressively can actually fuel anger, according to scientists. Kindness and gentle behavior, on the other hand, can put an end to the flame.
When your distress turns into anger, recognize what you want to do, and then do the opposite. Instead of raising your voice, speak slowly and softly. Whenever you feel inclined to frown, smile instead. Try biting your tongue when you’re about to utter something harsh. It’s a signal to relax your muscles and rest your hands palms up on your lap when you feel the urge to clench your fists.
How to handle someone who lashes out at you
When you’re the target of someone’s anger, you may wonder what to do. The next time someone snaps at you, listen carefully and ask them what’s going on. You may discover that under the snap they are hurting. Disengage and don’t reengage before they are ready to talk without lashing out if that just escalates their angry behavior.
Using the above strategies will help you stop yourself from reacting in kind when frustrated or angry because of their anger. Whenever people get out of hand, no discussion can be productive.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or One Love Foundation, which deals with relationship abuse, if you are repeatedly the victim of someone’s wrath, verbal or physical.
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