In spite of its unpleasantness, you can make it tolerable, even inspiring.
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I wish I could have told him I loved him before he married another person.
It would have been better for me if I had gone to law school like I had planned. What opportunities might have opened up for me?
I could have avoided a painful surgery by taking a few extra precautions.
In my work as a psychologist, I often encounter regrets like these. It’s common for people to express regret as a result of pondering what might have been if they had behaved differently in the past. Who hasn’t regretted what might have been? Almost one third of the decisions participants recalled making during a week were remorseful, according to a study of regret.
When you regret something you have done, or did not do, you often blame yourself for making the ‘wrong’ choice. The heartache caused by some regrets is mild and fleeting, so it is not as damaging as it might seem. However, a sense of regret can haunt you – consuming you with self-reproach, sadness, and regret over what could have been. This Guide will help you cope with and transform this stronger form of regret into a positive force in your life if you have had trouble coping with it.
It is difficult to avoid regret
We live in a time when regret is fertile ground. Western societies have experienced an explosion in choice, which influences every decision we make, including buying consumer goods, living places, choosing a spouse, choosing a career, and defining ourselves. A greater number of choices initially leads to more satisfaction, but the effect can reverse when options increase. This is explained by the psychologist Barry Schwartz. By weighing all the options before making a decision, people attempt to fail-safe their choices, but may paradoxically experience greater regret in the end.
As a child, I had only a limited number of universities to choose from when I was growing up in the former Yugoslavia. It was common for students to stay close to home, and we rarely thought about whether our decision was the right one. In contrast, I hear from students in the United States that it is difficult to shed doubts about whether they picked the right college from almost 4,000. An exponential increase in choices can lead to dissatisfaction and regret.
Recent decades have seen the erasure of public-private boundaries, an increase in speed, and an overabundance of information. We see this when we apologise over a Tweet or fret over an application email with a typo. All of these processes are bound to result in regret.
Meanwhile, perfectionism seems to be on the rise in some parts of the world. According to research, American, Canadian, and British citizens have become less forgiving of their own and others’ mistakes since the late 1980s and believe others will judge them harshly for their shortcomings. An environment like this is likely to cause regret to balloon.
In spite of regret’s painful side, it can also be an opportunity
The most common type of regret is an interpersonal one, such as one associated with a romantic relationship or a family member. If you regret doing something, such as telling a secret, you will feel bad very quickly. But regrets about things you did not do – such as not taking chances – may last the longest. When people grow older and new opportunities diminish, they often regret these inactions more intensely.
Depression tends to make people see things through a negative lens, so it’s no wonder they feel regret more often. There is also a link between regret and anxiety, self-criticism, shame, and disturbed sleep. A lot of time, it involves ruminating and obsessing. Getting mired in the quicksand of regret is likely to happen if you go over what went wrong again and again without discussing it with anyone.
A well-managed regret, however, can lead to psychological growth. Regret can be a powerful motivator for reflection, for learning what kinds of behavior work and what doesn’t, and for improving yourself over time. You can understand why you need to make a change when you feel the pang of regret – and then take action to do so.
Whenever one of my patients got a better job opportunity, he regretted moving away from family. The success of his career and the ability to affordably support his family allowed him to justify his choices for years. In the wake of his mother’s stroke, however, he began to feel guilty and self-reproach: ‘Neither I nor my children will ever be able to reclaim those years we could have spent together.’ Taking his deeply regret as a sign of how much he cared about his family, he worked through it skilfully to change his life and align it with his values. Here are some tips that may help you move in the right direction.
Do not avoid or dwell on regret, but instead let it pass through you
It is common for negative emotional experiences to come back with a vengeance when one avoids, denies or minimizes them. In order to deal with regret, one must first counter the tendency we all have to run from it.
Take a moment to reflect on all the distractions you might be using to escape the pain or discomfort of regret, such as technology, entertainment, food, wine, drugs, and other items. As soon as you notice yourself doing any of these as an escape from your feelings, take a moment to pause and open yourself up to the body’s sensations and what your mind is thinking.
Make an effort to observe yourself without judgment. Tell yourself silently how regret feels right now. A person’s regret can serve as a valuable resource for understanding what they want to stand for and what particular behaviors might have violated. It is only through full experience that you can learn from regret.
I treated a patient in her 50s who repeatedly suppressed regrets about not pursuing medical school in her youth. She would occupy herself with chores or laser-focus on her children’s activities whenever regretful thoughts bubbled up in her head. (Some details of her story and those of other patients in this Guide have been altered to preserve anonymity.) When it came to looking at her life honestly, she was scared. By avoiding the problem, regret started appearing more frequently, until she felt defeated and drained.
Our first step was to have her observe and describe her waves of regret in a different way, as if they were external to her body and mind. During one session, she recounted feeling her chest tighten and nausea rising in her throat as she recalled dropping organic chemistry. The feeling she described was a hollow mix of guilt, self-disgust, and shame. She gradually allowed herself to experience the raw emotions of regret, which motivated her to reevaluate her life.
It’s important to avoid circular overthinking when accepting regret, however. It is possible for you to ruminate and obsess over what you have done, asking yourself: Why did I do that? The stupidity/shortsightedness/selfishness of me; If only I could go back in time and change it; I can’t believe I ignored it. This type of recurrent thinking is counterproductive even though it is often confused with problem-solving. It doesn’t make you feel better in the long run, nor does it help you address the reality of the situation.
Observe how your body is expressing your feelings if you find yourself spinning in circles like this. In this case, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) techniques may prove useful:
A strong sensation, such as sour lemon, frigid water, or loud music, can be highly stimulating
Exercising intensely for a short period of time
A simple act of helping someone – for instance, guiding your niece through the process of shedding her bike training wheels, or assisting your parent with a broken shelf
Taking the time to visualize and verbalize the specific steps that led to your regretted behavior can be helpful after you have freed yourself from the rumination vortex.
The patient of mine whose mother had suffered a stroke was obsessing about how to prevent it if he had lived nearby. ‘What ifs’ kept him awake at night and poisoned his days. He thought that he could have lowered his parents’ cardiovascular risk if he had been more involved in their lives. It may have been possible for him to find them better doctors. It goes on and on. During our work, my patient vividly remembers his mother asking over the phone when he would be returning to visit and when he would move home again. A loud sob broke out as he told me his answer – “We’ll see, I’m very busy these days.”. By doing so, he switched from the abstract world of ‘what ifs’ to the painful reality of regret.
Try to make amends if you caused harm with your behavior
One often finds that regret is a result of hurting another as a result of one’s actions. It is possible to make amends if possible by acknowledging any harm you may have caused rather than avoiding regret.
Think about specific steps you can take if the behavior you regret caused harm. If you have offended a coworker, apologize to them; take steps to repair the friendship you have damaged; express your remorse to the partner you alienated. Even though there are some people who won’t forgive you, you should ask for forgiveness anyway – as only your actions are within your control. Having done your part will likely allow you to sleep better at night.
Originally developed by psychologist Gabriele Oettingen, the mental contrasting technique can help you make repairs. Visualize how different behaviors might have affected the outcome. Suppose I had proposed to my partner when she indicated she was ready to get married and have children sooner than later, she might still be in my life today. Put yourself in the shoes of the alternative scenario. Then think about what might stand in the way of your achieving your wished-for scenario – in this case, that could be going back to your former partner, apologizing and explaining your feelings, and asking if they would accept you again. Strategize about how to overcome these obstacles if they seem manageable. In the event that they’re not, you can disengage from the goal and accept that you are now on a different path.
Become forgiving of yourself
When we regret something we have done, many of us beat ourselves up. We often criticize ourselves harshly and relentlessly. It is not likely that you will feel more positive emotions or regret as a result of this way of treating yourself. However, I often hear from patients that despite being harsh, they deserve it. “That’s the only way I’ll be able to learn from my mistakes and do better in the future.’ This is a false assumption, though a popular one. Self-compassion and self-improvement are more likely to occur when you adopt a self-compassionate attitude.
What is the best way to become more forgiving of yourself? Gradually and intentionally. You can use these techniques to get started.
Identify the self-critic. Keep an eye out for self-reproach moments and the sound it makes. Getting in touch with your inner critical voice can help you to identify that you are going down that unproductive path, and stop yourself before it’s too late. For example, you might think: Oh, there’s ____ again, mocking and judging me. Does she really help me become a better person?
Think of someone who cared for you in your childhood. Visualizing someone from your childhood who was empathic and accepting might be helpful if you enjoy and are good at visualization. Possibly your grandma was always there for you, showing unconditional love despite your transgressions. Maybe she would tell you: ‘What you did was wrong, and here are the consequences.’ And I still love you as much as I did yesterday or any other day! Think about how you would talk to your caring relative if you were beaten up about a mistake at work.
Don’t be too hung up on the all-or-nothing mentality. Thinking traps may prevent you from accepting yourself and forgiving yourself. As an example, let’s say you conclude that you are a bad person and a bad family member because you failed to visit your aunt before she died. The following questions may help you determine if you are inclined to generalize from a specific, regretted behavior to your sense of who you are. Are you always ‘bad’ as your regret implies (e.g., a bad nephew)? Do you regret all of your previous behaviors (e.g., years of compassion and kindness toward your aunt)? What can you take away from this experience (for example, a greater awareness of mortality and illness’s unpredictable nature)? When you step back and answer these questions, you’ll realize you’re much more than a single action.
Consider the context of your actions. Your decision to act in a way you later regretted was probably influenced by a number of internal and external factors. Humans have a tendency to focus on only one cause at the expense of all others – a phenomenon known as focalism. Although you may have made a mistake that you should own up to, it might not be entirely your fault. Maybe you were stressed, depressed, or ill. When the COVID-19 pandemic struck, I had many discussions with patients about their imperfect decisions.
Feelings of regret can be reframed
You can then explore some helpful reframing of the situation in which you find yourself once you’ve accepted your regret, made amends (if applicable), and soothed yourself. Listed below are some strategies you can use to accomplish that.
Think about your past and what you regret. Would there be anything else you can do to be the person you want to be? Write down all the positive responses you can think of. Following that, plan to put some of them into practice. In order to focus her mind, my patient visited the cemetery regularly and wrote her mother’s biography, who was feeling regret about having failed her mother.
Be careful not to overestimate the benefits of not-chosen paths. It is easy to imagine that everything would have been better if we had made one different choice, and to idealize what could have been. A different decision, however, could have led to different outcomes – some of which you might not have liked. As an example, if you had accepted a job away from your family, you might have prospered more quickly, but your family relationship would likely have suffered.
Your current situation may have some silver linings, so try to find them. Do you regret making the choice you regret now because it made things better? It might seem saccharine to ask such a question. I usually find that when working with my patients on regrets, they can recognize positive aspects of their decision, no matter how small. In some cases, they even come to appreciate where they are right now.
Think about what you regret in a broader context. The power of regret often diminishes over time. What will be the significance of the source of your regret one month from now? A year from now? After five years? Consider looking down at your fretting self from an ascending airplane to get some distance from regret that paralyzes you. In addition to becoming smaller, you can also become less concerned about yourself and your regrets as the view of your surroundings expands. In addition to becoming smaller, you can also become less concerned about yourself and your regrets as the view of your surroundings expands.
Understand that other people are more concerned with their own problems than yours. Even when we make mistakes, other people judge us less harshly than we do ourselves, according to research. A patient I treated was frequently talking about how his decision was ridiculed in his professional circles due to it being made at an inopportune time. It shocked him to find out that the others barely remembered what happened when he sat down for lunch with one of his former colleagues.
Share your regrets in writing
It is natural for us to hide when we feel regret, either physically or psychologically. Emotions like guilt, humiliation, or shame – all of which are commonly associated with regret – are often kept private, in contrast to negative emotions resulting from bad luck or untoward actions of others. You may be able to lessen the impact of your regret and, as a bonus, you may gain a deeper connection with others by sharing it.
Is it possible to find the courage to express your regret and be vulnerable? It might be a good idea to write about it for yourself first. Spend at least 10-20 minutes expressing your feelings each day over the next three days, writing continuously. Three consecutive days of writing about something upsetting for at least 20 minutes has been proven to offer a number of emotional benefits.
If your partner, friend, or relative is accepting, nonjudgmental, and supportive, consider sharing a part of your writing with them. Your next step could be to express your regret to them. It has been proven that expressing feelings in words can help people deal with their feelings and feel better. A compassionate loved one may also be able to comfort you if you open up about your regret. If you are willing to share, you might discover that you receive positive feedback and even become the subject of reciprocal disclosures. You’ll be more confident and more determined to address your regrets more often and more in depth once you’re feeling better, and potentially even experiencing a strengthening of your relationship.
Researchers indicate that ‘co-rumination’ can lead to depression and anxiety. A co-rumination occurs when you dwell exclusively on the negatives of what you did. It includes thinking about why you did what you did and how bad the consequences will be. I often invite my patients to pay attention to the effects of this kind of discussion: ‘How did you feel after your conversation with X?’ Before you return to discussing your regrets, use the other strategies in this article if you find yourself slipping into an unhealthy conversational dynamic.
Clarify your values by using regret
Identify your biggest regrets. Ultimately, regrets reveal what matters most to you and what you want to achieve as a friend, romantic partner, parent, child, professional, etc. Your admonishments might come from a feeling of guilt over your harsh treatment of your employee or not spending enough time with your children. Therefore, you value being a compassionate and supportive boss or a hands-on and accessible parent. You might regret not attending medical school when you were young or not traveling the world when you could. It might be that you value helping people, learning new things, and being adventurous.
Among the goals obsessed Western cultures, I find that defining your values first gives you a direction for orienting your life. When you’ve identified a path or paths that align with your values, it’s easy to pick short- and long-term goals that serve as markers along that path. Having committed to those goals, you can engage in behaviors that assist you in achieving them.
Goals aligned with your values could include rectifying regrets – for example, going back to college in your mid-30s, or rearranging your work schedule to spend more time with your children. You can still do things in life even if it seems too late. My patients find inspiration in The New York Times’, ‘It’s Never Too Late’ series.
You cannot travel around the globe because of age-related illness, for example, when the metaphorical ship has sailed. If the specific goals are impossible to achieve, it may be in the best interests to pursue other goals in accordance with the same values instead. People who must cease their travels might find it helpful to watch travel and nature documentaries, read travelogs, and explore their own towns as tourists would do. You can reduce the burden of regret and harness its power by acting in accordance with what’s important to you, no matter what your current circumstances are.
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