I recently asked one of my patients if he knew of someone he could call for help if he needed it. He responded “There’s nobody.”
It is not uncommon for people to experience what he did. My experience as a clinical psychologist has shown that we are becoming increasingly isolated from one another.
In a September survey conducted by Pew Research Center, 42 percent of Americans reported feeling lonely at least once or twice during the past week. It has been shown that loneliness increases the risk for depression, personality disorders, suicide, dementia, cardiovascular disease, and even premature death.
There is a difference between loneliness and solitude. In behavioral science, loneliness is defined as “a distressing feeling experienced when one perceives that the quality or quantity of one’s social relationships cannot meet one’s social needs.”
The 85-year-long Harvard Study of Adult Development found that social connections were among the strongest predictors of happiness and health. The problem is that building them can be difficult, especially in adulthood.
As I discuss how to meet new people, reconnect with acquaintances, and rekindle old friendships with my lonely patients, I often hear a few of these common, but mistaken, beliefs. These beliefs can, however, be countered by you and them.
Mistake 1: Putting off socializing until you are (thinner, happier, less stressed)
No matter what age, people are concerned about negative judgment – whether it’s a young man who believes he won’t get any dates unless he loses weight or a widow who worries she won’t get any friends unless she deals with her depression.
In therapy sessions, I often discuss perceived flaws as the cause of increased fear of rejection.
Research suggests we judge ourselves harsher than others do, but there is no guarantee that others will accept us. According to a study, people consistently underestimate how much their interlocutors enjoy their company after a conversation.
When it comes to groups, peers, and performance situations, we tend to focus on how we were perceived negatively by others and how we felt.
Negatively skewed perceptions are even stronger among lonely people.
Even so, everyone feels ashamed of something at some point in their lives. Reaching out to others and accepting our imperfect selves is what people bond over when they cut themselves some slack.
Starting small is something I encourage my patients to do. Perform an action – however small – that opposes an urge to hide when one comes up. Acknowledge the urge self-compassionately (for example, by putting your hand over your tight body part).
Say, for instance, when your neighbors invite you to drink on their deck but you feel your negative energy will bring down the party, agree to only stay for a few minutes. In the event that even that sounds too much, decline and tell them you would love to join them again at another time.
We can discover that people are more accepting than we imagined by slowly experimenting with behaviors that bring us closer to them.
Mistake 2: Avoiding small talk with strangers
According to a 2014 study, Mistakenly Seeking Solitude, Chicago train and bus commuters were certain that striking up a conversation with a stranger would be unpleasant.
Since they believed other commuters would be annoyed if approached, they rarely engaged in social interaction with them. Researchers found that when a group of commuters intentionally spoke to strangers during their commute, they were happier than those who were instructed not to speak to strangers or behaved normally.
In subsequent studies, it has been found that interacting with strangers and acquaintances makes us feel better, makes us feel like we belong, increases our knowledge and creativity. Chatting up someone even boosts a shy person’s mood.
When you’re standing in line, have a conversation instead of staring at your phone. In the school pickup line, at the checkout counter in stores, at the front desk of your dentist or doctor, or at the coffee shop, talk to the other parents.
It’s always a good idea to compliment someone or express gratitude when the occasion arises, enhancing the interaction further.
The reactions you will get from people will surprise you (most of the time), the experience will be enjoyable, and some of these interactions will open the door for deeper connections in the future.
Mistake 3: Avoiding sensitive subjects or being nosy
Engaging in deeper conversations with strangers and acquaintances can turn everyday social interactions into friendships.
Having meaningful conversations tends to be uniquely fulfilling, according to research. In spite of this, I often hear people reluctance to “pry,” in fear of making others uncomfortable or being rejected for being intrusive and strange.
However, these concerns seem unfounded.
A study found that participants who asked sensitive questions to conversation partners (ranging from strangers to friends) left no worse impression than those who avoided such inquiries. “How much do you earn?” and “What is your stance on immigration?” are examples of the sensitive questions in the study.
Try asking your conversation partner what they hope for in the next year, or when they last cried, the next time you’re engaged in unfulfilling chitchat.
There is a good chance that your encounter will become more interesting and fulfilling as time goes on.
Mistake 4: Underestimating people’s willingness to assist
Is it common for you to avoid asking for practical or emotional help, for fear of appearing needy, helpless, or demanding? Do you fear that others would comply out of obligation or pity, or even reject your request, if you burden or inconvenience them?
The most common thing I do when I am treating patients is to ask them to imagine the experience of being asked for a favor by an acquaintance or a friend. In those moments, they realize that being asked for help can be a gift – when they are perceived as trustworthy and needed, they feel good.
In research, scientists have consistently found that humans underestimate how positive helping feels and how willing people are to help, even if they are strangers.
One of the best ways to overcome loneliness is to stop going it alone. You can achieve a fulfilling and happy social life by challenging the misconceptions that are holding you back from creating (more) social ties.
The post When You’re Lonely, Avoid These 4 Mistakes appeared first on Arlington/DC Behavior Therapy Institute.