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As a psychologist in Washington, DC specializing in CBT-based therapy, I know parents have difficulty determining how to talk about 9/11 with their kids. Teachers, therapists and writers agree that it’s important to try. Kids hear about it from their friends and classmates, on the internet and on television. Parents can help manage and correct the information that kids hear, says Sandra Pimentel, head of child and adolescent psychology at Montefiore Medical Center/Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York.
Sharing your own experiences about 9/11 can personalize it for your kids and bring you together. Muniya Khanna, a Philadelphia psychologist, recommends communicating values and your emotions as a way to help shape your children’s narrative.
Why should we talk about it?
The attacks deeply changed the nation, from politics, to travel and arts, to immigration. Helping children understand this can make the past become real, according to Dan Jones, a middle school teacher in Ohio. Mary Alvord, a Maryland psychologist, agrees. She believes discussing 9/11 is critical in helping children understand why security in airports and other public spaces can sometimes be tight. And talking about the discrimination and prejudice that followed the attacks can pave the way to having important talks about difficult topics, said Jewell Parker Rhodes, writer of a book for children about 9/11.
How to begin
Although the difficulty of talking about 9/11 might cause us to avoid the subject, tackling it in a straightforward manner can help earn respect and trust from our kids and help them cope better. And start by asking questions, Khanna recommends. For example, asking what kids have seen and heard about the events, what they think of them, and how they feel. Children will ask their own questions when we show it’s OK to discuss the attacks, Khanna said. And she advises that adults make sure to listen more than they speak.
Many of us still have raw emotions about 9/11, and parents often wrestle with keeping their children from seeing this. But this isn’t likely to work, Alvord said, because kids are likely to sense it anyway from how you’re reacting. Instead, she advises that this presents a chance to show that anger, fear and sadness are normal and okay.
How to address younger children carefully
Stick to the facts and avoid being too specific, Pimentel said. It’s OK to say that people did bad things, but make sure they understand that this is quite uncommon. She advises against letting children see graphic images or videos. Instead, provide a chance for kids to paint, play or talk as they communicate their feelings.
Provide hope
It’s important that we share the hope and courage that came after the tragedy, including the heroes and the communities and families that banded together, Alvord said. Discussing hopeful personal stories or stories from books can be especially helpful. The stories of unity after 9/11 are useful civic lessons in this time of increased division, Parker Rhodes said.
Getting kids involved
A great antidote for feeling powerless is to build a feeling that you can control what you do in response. Parents and teachers can talk to children about showing kindness and respect for others. Pimentel had a 13-year-old patient ask her about the situation at the Kabul airport. They focused on how to be a part of the solution for a situation that arose from 9/11, such as collecting things for Afghan refugees. Kids are creative and selfless when given a chance, Pimentel said.
The post Discuss 9/11 With Your Children first appeared on Arlington/DC Behavior Therapy Institute.