How to forgive yourself for imperfect decisions and minimize your regret

We have made many consequential decisions within the past year, often based on insufficient information and surrounded by unprecedented uncertainty. One of the most common emotions I see in my Washington, DC area psychology practice arises from the conditions described above: regret.

Pandemic-related decisions have caused many of my patients to struggle. They regret decisions they made about taking care of their elderly relatives. Others deal with the guilt of inadvertently transmitting covid-19 to people they love. Those who kept their children at home now feel guilty because their children struggle with mental health issues. My colleagues and I employ Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for teenagers and adults whose regret has left them feeling anxious or depressed and needing help.

The Washington Football Team’s director of wellness and clinical services, Barbara Roberts, said many of her clients regret being stuck in a bad relationship or not taking a trip or doing something important to them when they had a chance before the pandemic.

Regret seems to be a common reaction to the pandemic, according to a recent study. However, if it is not dealt with properly, it can lead to a downward spiral of shame, anger, and even depression.

Regret, of course, was a familiar emotion well before the pandemic. According to a study, it was the second-most commonly mentioned emotion in conversation. Romantic regrets, as well as regrets about social relationships in general, are usually felt more strongly than any other regrets – which confirms the axiom that no one dies wishing they had worked more.

Researchers have found that regret is associated with depression, anxiety, and poor sleep and problem-solving. The regret over inaction lingers longer than the regret over regretted actions. The most common regret we have in life is not taking opportunities and chances that could have helped us to become the person we want to be.

Here are some strategies to help you focus on the future rather than the things you could have done better in the past.

We avoid regret because it is uncomfortable. Denying, distracting or suppressing the pain does not fix it for long – it returns with a vengeance. As an example, drinking heavily at night to drown out the regret of going on a pandemic vacation that led to your family catching the Coronavirus will only exacerbate your regret in the end.

Recognize that what has been regretted is real, and your part in it. While expressing your regret, you may feel different emotions.

Try using an emotion wheel to increase your emotion vocabulary. Observe the feelings nonjudgmentally, with curiosity, and allow them to ebb and flow – this is an essential part of mindfulness.

As well as observing the sensations and feelings, you can observe the judgments you are making. When you accept both your emotions and thoughts without identifying yourself with them, you gain the ability to tolerate the pain without identifying yourself with it. It is through vulnerability that one can cultivate strength.

One of the more prominent characteristics of regret is the rumination about all the ways you could have done something better. Shame can arise from this ruminating.

Shame, on the other hand, can lead to self-blame and self-criticism, while guilt can motivate rectifying actions. A study shows that self-compassion reduces procrastination and reduces fear of failure in the pursuit of important goals.

Along with self-care routines, other suggestions for cultivating self-compassion include appreciating your worth, imagining yourself talking to a friend in a similar circumstance, and channeling the emotions of a loved one. Sharing regret with others can also help you to grow closer to loved ones in real life; studies have found that doing so can strengthen bonds between people.

Taking responsibility and facing your responsibility is possible when you accept reality and accept yourself. While you may be unable to rectify the situation immediately, you can behave with integrity moving forward.

As a result of the pandemic, routines were disrupted, and extreme uncertainty prevailed.

So give yourself a break since your decision making wasn’t at its best. Break your unhelpful thinking patterns that lead to regret.

We can learn and improve in unprecedented ways through regret. Productive regret is a teacher. Research suggests that exploring regrets helps people find meaning in their lives and grow as a person.