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We should, in theory, have about eight hours of free time each day after work and sleeping. It’s not surprising that you should want to defend that time as fervently as you can. (Let’s leave aside the troubling fact that many of us work more hours than we sleep-another thing we need to improve this year.)
Other forces are also against you, such as your partner, kids, and parents, as well as chores, bills, mail, and social media. Despite your willingness to meet some of these demands, they can still be intimidating. Even worse, too few of us even acknowledge how much work these responsibilities require. Let’s examine this closer.
You probably bear a heavy, and unfair, burden of mental labor if you manage most of your household duties–including meal preparation, grocery shopping, repair work, and arranging for schooling, sitters, cleaners, and contractors.
Cognitive labor is by its nature invisible, and researchers have been slow to recognize its importance. The average family’s division of labor may have gotten closer to equality, but women still make up a disproportionate amount of the work.
Cognitive labor is also not measurable in hours because it tends to happen in the background while you do other things. Allison Daminger, a sociologist at Harvard University, interviewed dozens of families and found that most of this work is not acknowledged or appreciated by partners who simply don’t see it.
Those who engage in cognitive labor are unaware of how much energy is expended on it, which robs them of the satisfaction that comes from completing concrete tasks. It is more likely that they will plow ahead until they end up exhausted, with all of the resulting psychological, occupational, and health consequences. Rather than endure another year of silence, follow these steps:
- Analyze the extent of your cognitive work during a typical week. Be aware of everything you do in the background when you are trying to achieve other tasks or to relax, and write it down.
- Recognize how much you are doing. Using that understanding, you can become more flexible and accept any shortcomings with compassion.
- Talk about dividing labor more equitably with your partner after reviewing your log. You should be able to get help from your partner when he or she recognizes your commitment. Identify roles that you each excel at and prefer.
- Concentrate on one thing at a time, such as exercising or working, capturing the mind if it wanders back into cognitive labor, and bringing it back to the task at hand. Eventually you should be able to focus without distractions.
- To lighten the load, look for practical solutions. Maybe it’s time just to let others decide what’s for dinner, or maybe there is an app to create grocery lists or schedule carpools.
